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Clipper Experiments: A Tail in Two Parts


Poor Dog. Subjected to my most ambitious experiments, she still falls for the old line, "C'mon, Honey, it'll be FUN!" Grooming the Dog and Fun do not belong in the same sentence together. This is a fact.

I bought some handy Oster clippers at the pet store a while back. Even while I stood waiting my turn at the cash register, I could hear Honey's tiny little scream in the back of my head . . . "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" But I did not listen. I forged ahead. Do you have any idea what it costs to get a dog like that groomed? She's half Chow, half Golden Retriever, with the chow's thick fur.

I am not a fan of instructions. I will read instructions if absolutely necessary, if forced to, but in most cases I will just learn on-the-job. This can be hazardous for certain tasks. Like electrical wiring, perhaps, which is why I don't do any of that. So I read enough of the instructions to get a comb thingie attached to the clippers, oiling them first.

Honey is not a big fan of buzzing objects. I don't know why this is. Perhaps she was scared by a loud buzzing object when she was a puppy. Maybe it's just annoying. Maybe the sight of me holding a buzzing object strikes terror into her little canine heart. I don't know. But she will cooperate somewhat, as long as I concentrate on the areas she wants me to concentrate on, and avoid the areas she wants me to avoid. I, however, do not believe in humoring her in this way. What? You don't want me to clip around your butt? Okay, that's where I want to then. You don't want to lose all that fur around your neck? Okay, off with it!

Every so often, or more frequently, she'll get up and wander off in a vain attempt to avoid the clippers. Since we're on a small deck and she can't escape back into the house, I just move closer to her. It's very aggravating to her, I'm sure, but we're really not there for her amusement, but for mine, so I don't care. She'll sit, or lay, and as I gently run the clippers through her fur, with tufts of it falling here and there, I can see her sighing to herself. It is a trial. But I am having fun! There is fur falling off in piles!

I do not read the instructions, nor do I have any training in this sort of activity. That is obvious from what is occurring with the poor dog. A portion of a back leg is clipped, so the fur there is white. A centimeter away, the fur is not clipped, so it long and golden. Her ruff is the same. It is not my fault. She was sitting quietly for a couple of minutes so I experimented with the ruff. I have discovered that when my dog's excessive ruff is reduced, she looks fatter. Let this be a lesson to us all: want to look thinner? Get more hair around an already fat neck.

I have been told that when I have worked on my dog it is embarrassing for her as the other dogs will point and laugh, but I don't think this is true. I don't think dogs CARE what they look like, and I don't think other dogs are that interested in what other dogs look like as much as they're interested in what they smell like. And my dog smells good. Well, she smells like a dog, but she's fine with that.

After being "groomed" rather haphazardly for awhile, Honey develops a new trick. She stands and she gets right up next to me. Since I'm sitting on my crossed legs, she's as big as I am, and she stands as close to me as she can get. A solid immoveable object jammed up against me. Awwww, my dog loves me! Well, yes, of course she does, but that is not the point of this particular exercise. The point of this particular exercise is to make sure I can't use the clippers on her anymore. How can I when she's jammed up next to me? I try pushing her away, but she won't move. She acts as if she doesn't know what's going on. As if she's there just to be close to me, as if she doesn't know what I'm trying to do . . .

The dog is stubborn. I think she gets it from me.

When we finish, it's not because we're finished, not by any stretch of the imagination. The dog is a patchwork quilt of uneven fur, choppy in some places, long and silky in others. And it's not because, despite the title, I have managed to clip her tale in two. It is because the job, to do properly, would take eight hours straight and I don't have the energy, the stamina, or the will to do so. Frankly, we're not that interested in perfection. That's boring. We're after a unique look, and I think we've achieved that. There is no other dog that looks like this, not once I've finished with her.

She stands alone, a testament to amateurism and on-the-job training. It's the American way.

Monique Young writes humor for a living, when she isn't keeping books or doing taxes. Her dog, Honey, does nothing useful but is fun to watch. She (Monique, not Honey), can be reached at [email protected] (website currently under construction).


TODAYS NEWS BY OFFICEJAX FREE ADVERTISING AND AD EXCHANGE SOLUTIONSMORE PETS INFORMATION RESOURCES updated Fri. March / 29 / 2024

April 2024 solar eclipse isn't a great place for pets, experts say - USA TODAY
April 2024 solar eclipse isn't a great place for pets, experts say  USA TODAY

Tri-State nonprofit uses high-tech drones, search and rescue techniques to find lost pets - WCPO 9 Cincinnati
Tri-State nonprofit uses high-tech drones, search and rescue techniques to find lost pets  WCPO 9 Cincinnati

Japanese pet owners warned after dozens of house fires linked to cats, dogs and a goat - South China Morning Post
Japanese pet owners warned after dozens of house fires linked to cats, dogs and a goat  South China Morning Post

Wash your pet's food and water bowls to prevent salmonella - The Seattle Times
Wash your pet's food and water bowls to prevent salmonella  The Seattle Times

"Too Big, Too Smelly": City records reveal why hundreds of pets were rescued then returned - WSBT-TV
"Too Big, Too Smelly": City records reveal why hundreds of pets were rescued then returned  WSBT-TV

Humane Society of Missouri pets for adoption - St. Louis Post-Dispatch
Humane Society of Missouri pets for adoption  St. Louis Post-Dispatch

IndyHumane staff, volunteers take stand against animal shelter's CEO - IndyStar
IndyHumane staff, volunteers take stand against animal shelter's CEO  IndyStar

Pets With Jobs: Where to Meet Portland's Professional Pups, Career Kitties and Busy Birds - Willamette Week
Pets With Jobs: Where to Meet Portland's Professional Pups, Career Kitties and Busy Birds  Willamette Week

Boarding pets or in-home sitters: In Atlanta, 1 is a clear cost-saver - FOX 5 Atlanta
Boarding pets or in-home sitters: In Atlanta, 1 is a clear cost-saver  FOX 5 Atlanta

Rentals and condos would be required to allow pets under proposed bylaw in Arlington - CBS Boston
Rentals and condos would be required to allow pets under proposed bylaw in Arlington  CBS Boston

Pet-sitting: A unique way to travel the world for free - BBC.com
Pet-sitting: A unique way to travel the world for free  BBC.com

Planning a trip for spring break? Don’t forget about your pets - WTOP
Planning a trip for spring break? Don’t forget about your pets  WTOP

Don't surrender pets to a shelter. Send in a pro to reverse bad behavior, says Utah trainer - KSL NewsRadio
Don't surrender pets to a shelter. Send in a pro to reverse bad behavior, says Utah trainer  KSL NewsRadio

MDARD - MDARD Encourages Owners to Help Keep Pets Safe this Spring Holiday Season - Michigan Courts
MDARD - MDARD Encourages Owners to Help Keep Pets Safe this Spring Holiday Season  Michigan Courts

Keep your pets safe on Easter with these tips - KSAT San Antonio
Keep your pets safe on Easter with these tips  KSAT San Antonio

Should you be worried about the eclipse's effect on your pets? - News 5 Cleveland WEWS
Should you be worried about the eclipse's effect on your pets?  News 5 Cleveland WEWS

Pets of the week | North Vernon | madisoncourier.com - Madison Courier
Pets of the week | North Vernon | madisoncourier.com  Madison Courier

How do cicadas mix with pets? Experts have answers as 17-year cicada season nears - CBS Chicago
How do cicadas mix with pets? Experts have answers as 17-year cicada season nears  CBS Chicago

Vancouver Safe Stay site provides ‘sense of stability’ by allowing pets - KOIN.com
Vancouver Safe Stay site provides ‘sense of stability’ by allowing pets  KOIN.com

Pets of the Week: Cairo, Charlie, HoneyBee and Ollie are available for adoption - Long Beach Press Telegram
Pets of the Week: Cairo, Charlie, HoneyBee and Ollie are available for adoption  Long Beach Press Telegram

Toxic toads that can kill pets in minutes are breeding in Florida - The Hill
Toxic toads that can kill pets in minutes are breeding in Florida  The Hill

Pets of the week: Doberman and borzoi looking for new home together after their owner died - The San Diego Union-Tribune
Pets of the week: Doberman and borzoi looking for new home together after their owner died  The San Diego Union-Tribune

Family, pets displaced after Phoenix home fire - FOX 10 News Phoenix
Family, pets displaced after Phoenix home fire  FOX 10 News Phoenix

WNCT.com’s Best of Pets: Kane - WNCT
WNCT.com’s Best of Pets: Kane  WNCT

Clemson University introduces revamped policy for pets on campus - UpstateToday
Clemson University introduces revamped policy for pets on campus  UpstateToday

Help Loveable Pets Score New Homes at Special Burlington County Animal Shelter Open House on April 7 - Burlington County, NJ - Official Website
Help Loveable Pets Score New Homes at Special Burlington County Animal Shelter Open House on April 7  Burlington County, NJ - Official Website

Steps you can take to prepare your pets for summer - CBS Pittsburgh
Steps you can take to prepare your pets for summer  CBS Pittsburgh

Clemson introduces revamped policy for domestic animals (pets) - Clemson News
Clemson introduces revamped policy for domestic animals (pets)  Clemson News

Pets of the week | Features | davisenterprise.com - Davis Enterprise
Pets of the week | Features | davisenterprise.com  Davis Enterprise

Help loveable pets score new homes - The Sun Newspapers
Help loveable pets score new homes  The Sun Newspapers

Best Pet Insurance for Multiple Pets (March 2024) - MarketWatch
Best Pet Insurance for Multiple Pets (March 2024)  MarketWatch

Common health issues in senior pets - FOX 13 Tampa
Common health issues in senior pets  FOX 13 Tampa

With Crowded Pet Shelters, Foster Care Eases Strain - ccxmedia.org
With Crowded Pet Shelters, Foster Care Eases Strain  ccxmedia.org

Proposed bylaw would have condos and rentals required to allow pets in Arlington - CBS Boston
Proposed bylaw would have condos and rentals required to allow pets in Arlington  CBS Boston

Pets on the Plaza: Meet Royal - 47abc - WMDT
Pets on the Plaza: Meet Royal - 47abc  WMDT

"Too Big, Too Smelly": City records reveal why hundreds of pets were rescued then returned - WSBT-TV
"Too Big, Too Smelly": City records reveal why hundreds of pets were rescued then returned  WSBT-TV

South Carolina expert weighs in on vaccinating pets - WLTX.com
South Carolina expert weighs in on vaccinating pets  WLTX.com

QC Animal Welfare Center, Milan, gives tips on keeping pets safe during storms - WHBF - OurQuadCities.com
QC Animal Welfare Center, Milan, gives tips on keeping pets safe during storms  WHBF - OurQuadCities.com

53 pets spayed & neutered during S.N.I.P. bus event at Heritage Park - KGET 17
53 pets spayed & neutered during S.N.I.P. bus event at Heritage Park  KGET 17

Enhancing lives with Nashville Therapy Pets - News Channel 5 Nashville
Enhancing lives with Nashville Therapy Pets  News Channel 5 Nashville

Meet Waffles and Pancakes: Our Pets of the Day - FOX 5 Atlanta
Meet Waffles and Pancakes: Our Pets of the Day  FOX 5 Atlanta

Love 4 Pets: March 28, 2024 - KOB.com - KOB 4
Love 4 Pets: March 28, 2024 - KOB.com  KOB 4

Pet Tutor Treat Dispenser Review 2024: Pros, Cons & Verdict – Dogster - Dogster.com
Pet Tutor Treat Dispenser Review 2024: Pros, Cons & Verdict – Dogster  Dogster.com

‘Pet trusts’ in America are growing as pet ownership goes up - KMVT
‘Pet trusts’ in America are growing as pet ownership goes up  KMVT

Shelter of Hope Adoptable Pets - Penn Yan Chronicle-Express
Shelter of Hope Adoptable Pets  Penn Yan Chronicle-Express

Pets Of The Week: Meet Daphne And Persian - Los Alamos Daily Post
Pets Of The Week: Meet Daphne And Persian  Los Alamos Daily Post

Meet Otis & Barney, our Pets of the Day for March 28 - Dayton 24/7 Now
Meet Otis & Barney, our Pets of the Day for March 28  Dayton 24/7 Now

Woman's Kind Gesture Toward Overheated Squirrel Turns Into Something Magical - Parade Pets
Woman's Kind Gesture Toward Overheated Squirrel Turns Into Something Magical  Parade Pets

Make sure your pets are receiving the proper care for their age - WWLP.com
Make sure your pets are receiving the proper care for their age  WWLP.com

Tulsa Animal Welfare Explains Ordinance Requiring Residents Provide Shelter For Pets - news9.com KWTV
Tulsa Animal Welfare Explains Ordinance Requiring Residents Provide Shelter For Pets  news9.com KWTV

Protecting Pets and Livestock from Ticks – Sheridan Media - Sheridan Media
Protecting Pets and Livestock from Ticks – Sheridan Media  Sheridan Media

Pets of the week: Xena is a cuddly puppy. Bear is a gorgeous tabby - MLive.com
Pets of the week: Xena is a cuddly puppy. Bear is a gorgeous tabby  MLive.com

Arlington resident says dogs 'terrorizing' neighborhood killed 7 of her cats - WJXT News4JAX
Arlington resident says dogs 'terrorizing' neighborhood killed 7 of her cats  WJXT News4JAX

The Champaign Humane Society wants to help pets find new homes — without entering shelters - IPM Newsroom
The Champaign Humane Society wants to help pets find new homes — without entering shelters  IPM Newsroom

Mayo Clinic Minute: Wash your pet's food and water bowls to prevent salmonella - Mayo Clinic
Mayo Clinic Minute: Wash your pet's food and water bowls to prevent salmonella  Mayo Clinic

Local animal shelter reaches max capacity - WVVA
Local animal shelter reaches max capacity  WVVA

Stardew Valley: How To Rename Your Pet - GameRant
Stardew Valley: How To Rename Your Pet  GameRant

Plant-based dog wellness company launches into Pets at Home - Pet Food Processing
Plant-based dog wellness company launches into Pets at Home  Pet Food Processing

The Hardest Part About Having a Reactive Dog Is Other Pet Parents – Dogster - Dogster.com
The Hardest Part About Having a Reactive Dog Is Other Pet Parents – Dogster  Dogster.com

Joliet Junior College partners with local rescues to help pets get homes - Shaw Local News Network
Joliet Junior College partners with local rescues to help pets get homes  Shaw Local News Network

Humane Fort Wayne: Pet of the Week 3/28 - 21 Alive News
Humane Fort Wayne: Pet of the Week 3/28  21 Alive News

Jersey's Journeys: Adoptable pets at PACC - KGUN 9 Tucson News
Jersey's Journeys: Adoptable pets at PACC  KGUN 9 Tucson News

KCBD's Pet of the Day: Meet Robert - Lubbock - KCBD
KCBD's Pet of the Day: Meet Robert - Lubbock  KCBD

Helping Your Pets Thrive Through all Stages of Life with Lifestyle Expert Kathy Buccio - WATE 6 On Your Side
Helping Your Pets Thrive Through all Stages of Life with Lifestyle Expert Kathy Buccio  WATE 6 On Your Side

Western Washington man who Shot at Pets, Birds and Squirrels to get Court-Ordered Mental Health Treatment - Big Country News
Western Washington man who Shot at Pets, Birds and Squirrels to get Court-Ordered Mental Health Treatment  Big Country News

Pet of the Week: 2024 pets - WTOP
Pet of the Week: 2024 pets  WTOP

Vet discusses importance of spaying/neutering pets | Community | abc12.com - WJRT
Vet discusses importance of spaying/neutering pets | Community | abc12.com  WJRT

Veterinary surgeon: Spare flat-faced pets the respiratory distress - Phys.org
Veterinary surgeon: Spare flat-faced pets the respiratory distress  Phys.org

Alexandria Pet Of The Week: An Energetic Girl In Her Senior Years - Patch
Alexandria Pet Of The Week: An Energetic Girl In Her Senior Years  Patch

Pets Fur People: Meet Phoebe - KETK | FOX51 | EastTexasMatters.com
Pets Fur People: Meet Phoebe  KETK | FOX51 | EastTexasMatters.com

CSFD receives animal rescue equipment in honor of retiring leader - Colorado Springs Gazette
CSFD receives animal rescue equipment in honor of retiring leader  Colorado Springs Gazette

For her services, North Ridgeville notary public asks for pet food - The Morning Journal
For her services, North Ridgeville notary public asks for pet food  The Morning Journal

53 pets spayed & neutered during S.N.I.P. bus event at Heritage Park - Yahoo! Voices
53 pets spayed & neutered during S.N.I.P. bus event at Heritage Park  Yahoo! Voices

6 in 10 pet owners surveyed in the UK, Austria and Denmark believe their pets should have access to the same healthcare treatment options as humans - Vet Candy
6 in 10 pet owners surveyed in the UK, Austria and Denmark believe their pets should have access to the same healthcare treatment options as humans  Vet Candy

City of West Hollywood's Free 'Picasso Pets' Event Returns to West Hollywood Park and will Feature the Swearing-In of ... - City of West Hollywood
City of West Hollywood's Free 'Picasso Pets' Event Returns to West Hollywood Park and will Feature the Swearing-In of ...  City of West Hollywood

How microbiome-tailored nutrition can extend a pet's longevity - PetfoodIndustry.com
How microbiome-tailored nutrition can extend a pet's longevity  PetfoodIndustry.com

Pets of the week: Yukon and Bobble - Fort Bragg Advocate-News
Pets of the week: Yukon and Bobble  Fort Bragg Advocate-News

Enjoy reduce animal adoption fees this Easter at local pet rescues - News3LV
Enjoy reduce animal adoption fees this Easter at local pet rescues  News3LV

PETS OF WEEK: Louco and Binx - WiscNews
PETS OF WEEK: Louco and Binx  WiscNews

The Cheapest Pet Insurance Companies (Mar 2024) - MarketWatch
The Cheapest Pet Insurance Companies (Mar 2024)  MarketWatch

Black Dog Animal Rescue Adoptable Pets - March 28, 2024 | Lifestyles | thecheyennepost.com - The Cheyenne Post
Black Dog Animal Rescue Adoptable Pets - March 28, 2024 | Lifestyles | thecheyennepost.com  The Cheyenne Post

Necropsies being conducted after another dog at pet groomer dies - WPTV News Channel 5 West Palm
Necropsies being conducted after another dog at pet groomer dies  WPTV News Channel 5 West Palm

How To Introduce New Pets Into Your Home, According To Experts - Forbes
How To Introduce New Pets Into Your Home, According To Experts  Forbes

Best Pet Insurance Companies for March 2024 - NerdWallet
Best Pet Insurance Companies for March 2024  NerdWallet

Elektra loves the outdoors and plays well with other dogs | Tucson Subaru's Pet of the Week - KVOA Tucson News
Elektra loves the outdoors and plays well with other dogs | Tucson Subaru's Pet of the Week  KVOA Tucson News

20 Most Popular Pets Statistics in the US: Updated in 2024 – Dogster - Dogster.com
20 Most Popular Pets Statistics in the US: Updated in 2024 – Dogster  Dogster.com

Pet of the Week: Meet Ziggy! – KION546 - KION
Pet of the Week: Meet Ziggy! – KION546  KION

Adorable Irish Farm That Lets Guests Cuddle Baby Lambs Is Total Bucket List Bliss - Parade Pets
Adorable Irish Farm That Lets Guests Cuddle Baby Lambs Is Total Bucket List Bliss  Parade Pets

Pet of the Day: Diesel and Zoe - NBC Right Now
Pet of the Day: Diesel and Zoe  NBC Right Now

KCBD's Pet of the Day: Meet Robert - KCBD
KCBD's Pet of the Day: Meet Robert  KCBD

16 UK Pet Ownership Statistics in 2024: General & Regional Facts – Dogster - Dogster.com
16 UK Pet Ownership Statistics in 2024: General & Regional Facts – Dogster  Dogster.com

Punxsutawney Phil and 'Wife' Just Became Parents - Parade Pets
Punxsutawney Phil and 'Wife' Just Became Parents  Parade Pets

No More Pretending To Have A Support Animal, American Airlines Makes Pet Travel Easier - View from the Wing
No More Pretending To Have A Support Animal, American Airlines Makes Pet Travel Easier  View from the Wing

SNAPS photo competition will celebrate Superior pets - Boulder Daily Camera
SNAPS photo competition will celebrate Superior pets  Boulder Daily Camera

These plants bloom in western Washington over spring. They’re also toxic to your pets - Tacoma News Tribune
These plants bloom in western Washington over spring. They’re also toxic to your pets  Tacoma News Tribune

Letter to the Editor: Maryville needs reliable pet sitters - Northwest Missourian
Letter to the Editor: Maryville needs reliable pet sitters  Northwest Missourian

5 pet food takeaways from Global Pet Expo 2024 - PetfoodIndustry.com
5 pet food takeaways from Global Pet Expo 2024  PetfoodIndustry.com

Pet Project: Maui looking to smother new owner with kisses - KSN-TV
Pet Project: Maui looking to smother new owner with kisses  KSN-TV

US pet ownership steady since 2010; Cat may rise, dog fall - PetfoodIndustry.com
US pet ownership steady since 2010; Cat may rise, dog fall  PetfoodIndustry.com

New Mexico Living Pet Pics March 28, 2024 - KRQE News 13
New Mexico Living Pet Pics March 28, 2024  KRQE News 13

Ivy Cove Introduces Luxury Pet Accessories - The Garnette Report
Ivy Cove Introduces Luxury Pet Accessories  The Garnette Report

Ikea shows its products destroyed by pets in cute campaign about affordability - Ad Age
Ikea shows its products destroyed by pets in cute campaign about affordability  Ad Age

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