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Clipper Experiments: A Tail in Two Parts


Poor Dog. Subjected to my most ambitious experiments, she still falls for the old line, "C'mon, Honey, it'll be FUN!" Grooming the Dog and Fun do not belong in the same sentence together. This is a fact.

I bought some handy Oster clippers at the pet store a while back. Even while I stood waiting my turn at the cash register, I could hear Honey's tiny little scream in the back of my head . . . "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" But I did not listen. I forged ahead. Do you have any idea what it costs to get a dog like that groomed? She's half Chow, half Golden Retriever, with the chow's thick fur.

I am not a fan of instructions. I will read instructions if absolutely necessary, if forced to, but in most cases I will just learn on-the-job. This can be hazardous for certain tasks. Like electrical wiring, perhaps, which is why I don't do any of that. So I read enough of the instructions to get a comb thingie attached to the clippers, oiling them first.

Honey is not a big fan of buzzing objects. I don't know why this is. Perhaps she was scared by a loud buzzing object when she was a puppy. Maybe it's just annoying. Maybe the sight of me holding a buzzing object strikes terror into her little canine heart. I don't know. But she will cooperate somewhat, as long as I concentrate on the areas she wants me to concentrate on, and avoid the areas she wants me to avoid. I, however, do not believe in humoring her in this way. What? You don't want me to clip around your butt? Okay, that's where I want to then. You don't want to lose all that fur around your neck? Okay, off with it!

Every so often, or more frequently, she'll get up and wander off in a vain attempt to avoid the clippers. Since we're on a small deck and she can't escape back into the house, I just move closer to her. It's very aggravating to her, I'm sure, but we're really not there for her amusement, but for mine, so I don't care. She'll sit, or lay, and as I gently run the clippers through her fur, with tufts of it falling here and there, I can see her sighing to herself. It is a trial. But I am having fun! There is fur falling off in piles!

I do not read the instructions, nor do I have any training in this sort of activity. That is obvious from what is occurring with the poor dog. A portion of a back leg is clipped, so the fur there is white. A centimeter away, the fur is not clipped, so it long and golden. Her ruff is the same. It is not my fault. She was sitting quietly for a couple of minutes so I experimented with the ruff. I have discovered that when my dog's excessive ruff is reduced, she looks fatter. Let this be a lesson to us all: want to look thinner? Get more hair around an already fat neck.

I have been told that when I have worked on my dog it is embarrassing for her as the other dogs will point and laugh, but I don't think this is true. I don't think dogs CARE what they look like, and I don't think other dogs are that interested in what other dogs look like as much as they're interested in what they smell like. And my dog smells good. Well, she smells like a dog, but she's fine with that.

After being "groomed" rather haphazardly for awhile, Honey develops a new trick. She stands and she gets right up next to me. Since I'm sitting on my crossed legs, she's as big as I am, and she stands as close to me as she can get. A solid immoveable object jammed up against me. Awwww, my dog loves me! Well, yes, of course she does, but that is not the point of this particular exercise. The point of this particular exercise is to make sure I can't use the clippers on her anymore. How can I when she's jammed up next to me? I try pushing her away, but she won't move. She acts as if she doesn't know what's going on. As if she's there just to be close to me, as if she doesn't know what I'm trying to do . . .

The dog is stubborn. I think she gets it from me.

When we finish, it's not because we're finished, not by any stretch of the imagination. The dog is a patchwork quilt of uneven fur, choppy in some places, long and silky in others. And it's not because, despite the title, I have managed to clip her tale in two. It is because the job, to do properly, would take eight hours straight and I don't have the energy, the stamina, or the will to do so. Frankly, we're not that interested in perfection. That's boring. We're after a unique look, and I think we've achieved that. There is no other dog that looks like this, not once I've finished with her.

She stands alone, a testament to amateurism and on-the-job training. It's the American way.

Monique Young writes humor for a living, when she isn't keeping books or doing taxes. Her dog, Honey, does nothing useful but is fun to watch. She (Monique, not Honey), can be reached at monique@moniquewrites.com (website currently under construction).


TODAYS NEWS BY OFFICEJAX FREE ADVERTISING AND AD EXCHANGE SOLUTIONSMORE PETS INFORMATION RESOURCES updated Wed. June / 03 / 2020

Tips for helping animal-weary acquaintances get comfortable around your pets - USA TODAY
Tips for helping animal-weary acquaintances get comfortable around your pets  USA TODAY

Pets and hot cars don't mix - The County
Pets and hot cars don't mix  The County

Pink eye in your pets is nothing to overlook - newschannel20.com
Pink eye in your pets is nothing to overlook  newschannel20.com

Leading CBD Brand PremiumJane Announces Launch of Jane's Pets; Releases New Line of CBD Oil for Pets - PRNewswire
Leading CBD Brand PremiumJane Announces Launch of Jane's Pets; Releases New Line of CBD Oil for Pets  PRNewswire

National News: Pets of the Week (6/3/20) - Cassville Democrat
National News: Pets of the Week (6/3/20)  Cassville Democrat

Adoptable pets of the week at Animal Harbor in June 4, 2020, edition - Winchester Herald Chronicle
Adoptable pets of the week at Animal Harbor in June 4, 2020, edition  Winchester Herald Chronicle

Pets for adoption | Entertainment | tucson.com - Arizona Daily Star
Pets for adoption | Entertainment | tucson.com  Arizona Daily Star

Animal advocate loses five pets in Scituate fire - WPRI.com
Animal advocate loses five pets in Scituate fire  WPRI.com

Tulsa Animal Welfare pets of the week - KTUL
Tulsa Animal Welfare pets of the week  KTUL

ASPCA: How to keep your pets safe as temperatures rise - WWLP.com
ASPCA: How to keep your pets safe as temperatures rise  WWLP.com

Dollars and Pets: Importance of brushing your dog - The Mercury News
Dollars and Pets: Importance of brushing your dog  The Mercury News

Statesboro officer makes video to remind you not to leave pets in hot cars - WTOC
Statesboro officer makes video to remind you not to leave pets in hot cars  WTOC

Sip Wine, Save Pets - Vinum Cellars Donates from Sales of Pets Petit Sirah to the Animal Rescue Foundation - wineindustryadvisor.com
Sip Wine, Save Pets - Vinum Cellars Donates from Sales of Pets Petit Sirah to the Animal Rescue Foundation  wineindustryadvisor.com

Pets likely to have anxiety when humans return to work - WRAL.com
Pets likely to have anxiety when humans return to work  WRAL.com

PETS OF WEEK: Aspen and Opal, Onyx | Community | wiscnews.com - WiscNews
PETS OF WEEK: Aspen and Opal, Onyx | Community | wiscnews.com  WiscNews

Pet World: Quarantine with pets required before transition to assisted-living facility - Chicago Tribune
Pet World: Quarantine with pets required before transition to assisted-living facility  Chicago Tribune

Pets of the week, June 3 | Gallery | hickoryrecord.com - Hickory Daily Record
Pets of the week, June 3 | Gallery | hickoryrecord.com  Hickory Daily Record

Pet groomers in Michigan can reopen Thursday - MLive.com
Pet groomers in Michigan can reopen Thursday  MLive.com

Pets and the people who love them | Lifestyles - News Courier
Pets and the people who love them | Lifestyles  News Courier

Pets in Savannah for adoption this week - Savannah Morning News
Pets in Savannah for adoption this week  Savannah Morning News

COVID-19 Lockdown Bringing Pets, Owners Closer Than Ever Before - Study Finds
COVID-19 Lockdown Bringing Pets, Owners Closer Than Ever Before  Study Finds

Pet shortage makes adoptions difficult during Adopt-A-Cat Month - KTIV
Pet shortage makes adoptions difficult during Adopt-A-Cat Month  KTIV

Are you pet-prepared for New Orleans hurricane season? Read this list to help you get organized - NOLA.com
Are you pet-prepared for New Orleans hurricane season? Read this list to help you get organized  NOLA.com

Pets of the Week: June 3, 2020 | Pikes Peak Courier | gazette.com - Colorado Springs Gazette
Pets of the Week: June 3, 2020 | Pikes Peak Courier | gazette.com  Colorado Springs Gazette

Pet Dog, Cat Test Positive for Coronavirus in Separate States - PEOPLE
Pet Dog, Cat Test Positive for Coronavirus in Separate States  PEOPLE

Carver County pet cat tests positive for coronavirus - Minneapolis Star Tribune
Carver County pet cat tests positive for coronavirus  Minneapolis Star Tribune

At St. Mary Medical Center, pets hit the pavement to show appreciation for healthcare workers - Bucks Local News
At St. Mary Medical Center, pets hit the pavement to show appreciation for healthcare workers  Bucks Local News

USDA Announces First Confirmed Case of COVID-19 in Pet Dog - Sierra Sun Times
USDA Announces First Confirmed Case of COVID-19 in Pet Dog  Sierra Sun Times

Sticky weather worries for your pets | Opinion | fergusfallsjournal.com - Fergus Falls Daily Journal
Sticky weather worries for your pets | Opinion | fergusfallsjournal.com  Fergus Falls Daily Journal

Marion County Pets: Alton, Toby, and Trudi - WCJB
Marion County Pets: Alton, Toby, and Trudi  WCJB

Heat warning: Protect pets--and strays - KGUN
Heat warning: Protect pets--and strays  KGUN

Pets of the Week: The "Nature Litter" - WITN
Pets of the Week: The "Nature Litter"  WITN

How to Deal with Pet Allergies (and Keep Your Pet) - WRCB-TV
How to Deal with Pet Allergies (and Keep Your Pet)  WRCB-TV

What to pack for pets in your hurricane supply kit - WJXT News4JAX
What to pack for pets in your hurricane supply kit  WJXT News4JAX

Adoptable Pets - Ponca City News
Adoptable Pets  Ponca City News

Pet Network in Incline adjusts operations to save more pets - Tahoe Daily Tribune
Pet Network in Incline adjusts operations to save more pets  Tahoe Daily Tribune

The Waylanders confirms pets will be in the game, and you can pet dogs - Shacknews
The Waylanders confirms pets will be in the game, and you can pet dogs  Shacknews

UAlbany conducts research study linking pet ownership to health - NEWS10 ABC
UAlbany conducts research study linking pet ownership to health  NEWS10 ABC

Rabies clinic scheduled for June 10 in Hastings is postponed - NNY360
Rabies clinic scheduled for June 10 in Hastings is postponed  NNY360

Roice-Hurst Pet of the Week: 'Meet Arlo' - KJCT8.com
Roice-Hurst Pet of the Week: 'Meet Arlo'  KJCT8.com

Pet dog tests positive for virus causing COVID-19 - Successful Farming
Pet dog tests positive for virus causing COVID-19  Successful Farming

Tips to keep your pets safe as summer heats up - ABC 4
Tips to keep your pets safe as summer heats up  ABC 4

Miami-Dade Animal Services Holds Drive-Thru Food Bank To Help Owners Provide For Their Pets - CBS Miami
Miami-Dade Animal Services Holds Drive-Thru Food Bank To Help Owners Provide For Their Pets  CBS Miami

Racist comments by Waco pet store employee on social media spark protests - KCENTV.com
Racist comments by Waco pet store employee on social media spark protests  KCENTV.com

KCBD’s Pet of the Day: Meet Jan - KCBD
KCBD’s Pet of the Day: Meet Jan  KCBD

Humane Societies urging pet owners to prepare for emergencies as hurricane season begins - KHON2
Humane Societies urging pet owners to prepare for emergencies as hurricane season begins  KHON2

Pets of the Week: Meet Willie, a BARC staff favorite, and other Houston dogs that need forever homes - Chron.com
Pets of the Week: Meet Willie, a BARC staff favorite, and other Houston dogs that need forever homes  Chron.com

June 3 Pet of the Week: Baradur - FOX21News.com
June 3 Pet of the Week: Baradur  FOX21News.com

'They were sick or dying’: Waterford Lakes pet store under scrutiny for years now facing state action - WFTV Orlando
'They were sick or dying’: Waterford Lakes pet store under scrutiny for years now facing state action  WFTV Orlando

Hillsborough names pet center after retiring administrator Mike Merrill - Tampa Bay Times
Hillsborough names pet center after retiring administrator Mike Merrill  Tampa Bay Times

3 Pet Med Stocks That Offer Growth and a Nice Dividend - Motley Fool
3 Pet Med Stocks That Offer Growth and a Nice Dividend  Motley Fool

Pet food, cat litter bright spots in pet care as coronavirus impacts market - Supermarket News
Pet food, cat litter bright spots in pet care as coronavirus impacts market  Supermarket News

Pet protection is ‘paws-atively’ vital when summer temps soar - Public Affairs Office of Headquarters, US Army Combined Arms Support Command and Fort Lee
Pet protection is ‘paws-atively’ vital when summer temps soar  Public Affairs Office of Headquarters, US Army Combined Arms Support Command and Fort Lee

Sponsored Content Pet of the Week: Meet Peekaboo - WBNG-TV
Sponsored Content Pet of the Week: Meet Peekaboo  WBNG-TV

Wolfson pet therapy program celebrates 25 years - The Resident Community News
Wolfson pet therapy program celebrates 25 years  The Resident Community News

Pet stores in Santee, Escondido cited by San Diego Humane Society - The San Diego Union-Tribune
Pet stores in Santee, Escondido cited by San Diego Humane Society  The San Diego Union-Tribune

Clarksville area Pets of the Week for June 3rd, 2020 - Clarksville, TN Online - Clarksville Online
Clarksville area Pets of the Week for June 3rd, 2020 - Clarksville, TN Online  Clarksville Online

Betty Boop is KLBK’s Pet of the Day! - KLBK | KAMC | EverythingLubbock.com
Betty Boop is KLBK’s Pet of the Day!  KLBK | KAMC | EverythingLubbock.com

PACC offers free vet clinic to pet owners financially impacted by COVID-19 - KVOA Tucson News
PACC offers free vet clinic to pet owners financially impacted by COVID-19  KVOA Tucson News

2 Pet Stores Cited For Illegal Puppy Sales In San Diego County - Patch.com
2 Pet Stores Cited For Illegal Puppy Sales In San Diego County  Patch.com

Should you be quarantining with your pets? - Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Should you be quarantining with your pets?  Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Escondido pet store cited for illegal puppy sales - Coast News
Escondido pet store cited for illegal puppy sales  Coast News

Pet adoption can bring comfort, new responsibilities amid quarantine - Do Savannah
Pet adoption can bring comfort, new responsibilities amid quarantine  Do Savannah

Tulsa SPCA encouraging safe pet adoption for National Adoption Weekend - Tulsa World
Tulsa SPCA encouraging safe pet adoption for National Adoption Weekend  Tulsa World

Your pets are stressed out, too - Purdue News Service
Your pets are stressed out, too  Purdue News Service

The 8 Best Robot Vacuums for Pet Owners - KCTV Kansas City
The 8 Best Robot Vacuums for Pet Owners  KCTV Kansas City

Mohawk Hudson Humane Society hosts pet food pantry - WRGB
Mohawk Hudson Humane Society hosts pet food pantry  WRGB

Pet Of The Week And Free Food For Pets - The Transylvania Times
Pet Of The Week And Free Food For Pets  The Transylvania Times

Local charitable group donates $11,000 to Coulee Region Humane Society for pet health - La Crosse Tribune
Local charitable group donates $11,000 to Coulee Region Humane Society for pet health  La Crosse Tribune

Pet of the Week: Dillon - KEZI TV
Pet of the Week: Dillon  KEZI TV

Pandemic pets: How to take care of that newly adopted quarantine companion - The Mercury News
Pandemic pets: How to take care of that newly adopted quarantine companion  The Mercury News

The Comfort of Pets - Richmond magazine
The Comfort of Pets  Richmond magazine

Pets of the Week: May 23 | The Herald-News - The Herald-News
Pets of the Week: May 23 | The Herald-News  The Herald-News

Smucker names senior vice president of pet food business - Crain's Cleveland Business
Smucker names senior vice president of pet food business  Crain's Cleveland Business

Veterinarian, a COVID-19 survivor, on trying to care for pets, her staff and herself - ABC News
Veterinarian, a COVID-19 survivor, on trying to care for pets, her staff and herself  ABC News

This is what happens to the pets left behind when their owners die from coronavirus - CNN
This is what happens to the pets left behind when their owners die from coronavirus  CNN

GTA pets impacted by COVID-19 getting help from new program - Toronto Sun
GTA pets impacted by COVID-19 getting help from new program  Toronto Sun

Families Foster Classroom Pets During Coronavirus Shutdown - NPR
Families Foster Classroom Pets During Coronavirus Shutdown  NPR

Eight-year-old girl tortured to death for releasing pet parrots, police say - CNN
Eight-year-old girl tortured to death for releasing pet parrots, police say  CNN

Animal Humane Society hoping families adopt pocket pets who still need a home - KSTP
Animal Humane Society hoping families adopt pocket pets who still need a home  KSTP

Seniors find adopting or fostering a pet can ease loneliness during stay-at-home order - OCRegister
Seniors find adopting or fostering a pet can ease loneliness during stay-at-home order  OCRegister

Pet Sustainability Coalition expands board and team - Pet Food Processing
Pet Sustainability Coalition expands board and team  Pet Food Processing

Mass. Pets Getting Seriously Hurt in Grooming Mishaps, Veterinarians Say - NBC10 Boston
Mass. Pets Getting Seriously Hurt in Grooming Mishaps, Veterinarians Say  NBC10 Boston

Animal Welfare League of Alexandria distributes 5K pounds of free pet supplies during coronavirus pandemic - WTOP
Animal Welfare League of Alexandria distributes 5K pounds of free pet supplies during coronavirus pandemic  WTOP

Emergency pet care assistance for panhandle pet owners - WEAR
Emergency pet care assistance for panhandle pet owners  WEAR

Survey shows benefits of pet ownership during pandemic - Atlanta Journal Constitution
Survey shows benefits of pet ownership during pandemic  Atlanta Journal Constitution

First-ever national virtual pet super adoption hopes to place thousands of pets - KUTV 2News
First-ever national virtual pet super adoption hopes to place thousands of pets  KUTV 2News

Pets strange behavior amid COVID-19 - 11Alive.com WXIA
Pets strange behavior amid COVID-19  11Alive.com WXIA

Pet of the Week: Cutie - wausaupilotandreview.com
Pet of the Week: Cutie  wausaupilotandreview.com

Your quarantined pet may be acting odd. Here’s how to help. - The Washington Post
Your quarantined pet may be acting odd. Here’s how to help.  The Washington Post

Pets ‘crucial’ to owners’ morale during lockdown, says animal charity - The Independent
Pets ‘crucial’ to owners’ morale during lockdown, says animal charity  The Independent

Pet of the Week | 06/03/20 - CIProud.com
Pet of the Week | 06/03/20  CIProud.com

Animals Matter: Caring for senior pets a lesson in living - San Antonio Express-News
Animals Matter: Caring for senior pets a lesson in living  San Antonio Express-News

Jet Pet- Lemmy - YourErie
Jet Pet- Lemmy  YourErie

Latest Hinsdale Adoptable Pet: Lance - Hinsdale, IL Patch
Latest Hinsdale Adoptable Pet: Lance  Hinsdale, IL Patch

Are you paying more attention to your dog or cat during coronavirus quarantine? You're not alone, survey shows - USA TODAY
Are you paying more attention to your dog or cat during coronavirus quarantine? You're not alone, survey shows  USA TODAY

Ask the Vet: Pets will need to adjust to being home alone again - Toledo Blade
Ask the Vet: Pets will need to adjust to being home alone again  Toledo Blade

Amazing Glaze's "I Love my Pet" Camp Week 8/3-8/7 - Patch.com
Amazing Glaze's "I Love my Pet" Camp Week 8/3-8/7  Patch.com

United Way of Stephens County gives away pet food Thursday - Duncan Banner
United Way of Stephens County gives away pet food Thursday  Duncan Banner

A Guide for First-Time Pet Owners During the Pandemic - The New York Times
A Guide for First-Time Pet Owners During the Pandemic  The New York Times

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